Often we are crystal clear about what we don't want; we don't want to get a divorce, we don't want to be poor, we don't want to be overweight; but do we have any idea what we do want?

Consider the following scenario:
Wife: “Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?”
Husband: “Not steak.”
Wife:“Okay, what do you want.”
Husband: “Not chicken either, I'm tired of chicken.”
Wife: “So what should I cook? Seafood, pasta, a salad?”
Husband: “Hmm, no.”
Wife: “Should we go out?”
Husband: “Sure as long as it's not a steak house. Oh I don't feel like fast food either.”
Wife: “So where do you want to eat?”

This could go on forever. Do you see the pattern? The husband knows what he doesn't want but he does not seem to have any idea what he does want. At this rate do you see dinner happening anytime soon? When they do finally eat it's likely he'll just settle for whatever, right? We do this in every aspect of our lives.

What do you want? There are many ways of looking at this concept. Vision, the law of attraction, creation, the old adage “Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.” However you frame it there is still a principle at work. What we focus on, what we believe, manifests itself in our lives, for better or for worse. The more clear we are about who we are and what we want, why, and when, the more likely we are to attain it. You can take this down to the power of suggestion; for example what does a child do when you say, “Don't trip.” They trip! You've seen it. What if you say, “Step carefully?” They step carefully. On a bigger scale consider a person you know who always seems down on their luck. How do they talk about themselves? What is their belief? “Life is so hard. I never come out on top.” Do they get what they believe?

Eric and I learned this in our marriage in a powerful way. At one point in our marriage things were so bad we weren't sure how to keep going. Neither of us wanted a divorce but threats were made. No matter what we tried we seemed to keep cycling through the same struggles over and over. I honestly believe it was only by the grace of God our marriage was healed. Deep in our heart of hearts not only did we both want to stay married, but we wanted to be together eternally. So even though our words and fears were often negative our personal desires and pleas to God begged for a strong, peaceful, loving, unified marriage with each other! And that is what we got! God did hear our pleas and He mercifully taught us many things, healed our hearts and saved our family.

Being clear about what we wanted was a step in unifying our family even before we knew it consciously. As I said, there were hurts, fears and trials but deep down when we were brave enough to admit that more than anything else each of us wanted to be happily married to each other.

We also had to be careful of how we spoke. We realized that for several months we'd been assuring the kids “We are not going to get divorced.” Remember what happens when you tell a child not to trip? There were two problems here: We were clear about what we didn't want rather than being clear on what we did want, and we were focused on divorce in how were thinking and speaking.

We could go on and on about this truth- you do get what you focus on! So I'll share just two more thoughts.

Affirmations: The majority of books on getting money or self improvement discuss your thoughts and speech in one way or another. Many of us remember the Saturday Night Live skit with Stuart Smalley, “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, I like myself.” Despite his parody of them, affirmations do have impact on our subconscious and our results in life.

An affirmation is a positive, purposeful statement we repeat daily with the focus of creating that in our lives. Why not try the following for 27 days. Make a one line affirmation such as “I am valued and respected by my spouse.” “I trust myself” or “I am trustworthy.” “I will double my income within six months.” The key is to be very specific. Also I've learned something very true about affirmations. I used to hate them because I'd make a statement but I didn't believe it. Then a friend pointed out that it's not necessarily that the affirmation is not true, i.e. “I am valued and respected by my spouse,” it may be that we cannot see that it is true and by repeating the affirmation we open ourselves up to the possibility the affirmation is true. I have experienced this first hand! The affirmations open up my mind, they create hope and belief in me and then I begin to see proof or their possibility and reality all around me! It is powerful! Give it a try! You must do it every day for at least 27 days AND repeat it at least 6 times a day, if you miss a day start over, to create the reality in your life! For deeper info read Think and Grow Rich.

Gratitude: We all know about gratitude, scriptures on gratitude, and how we feel when we are grateful. I'll just share a couple ways of looking at it that may change your perspective a little. When we focus on all our trials and struggles it becomes hard to even see any good in our lives and relationships. Bottom line, it's not that there isn't any joy or good, it's really that we sometimes cannot even see it, feel it or acknowledge it. But it is there and just stopping and thinking of 5 or 10 things you are grateful for can change your entire focus and attitude! Really! Try it! Right now stop reading and find 10 things to be grateful for or admire in your spouse. Easy or hard? Can you name 25? Would you be willing to right them down or verbally share them with him or her? What about 25 general things you are grateful for. If this is a bit hard that may be a big signal you could use more gratitude in your life.

The Bible speaks of “ears to hear and eyes to see”. When I am negative, overwhelmed, or stressed I find I don't have “ears to hear and eyes to see” all the goodness, love and blessings around me. When I focus on gratitude and say my affirmations my heart and eyes are opened and I begin see and feel the blessings that are there amidst the trials.

So what do you want? Are you completely clear about it? How does it feel, sound, look?

What are you willing to do to get what you want? How badly do you really want it?

We encourage you to get clear about what you want. Watch your thoughts and speech and if you really want to create new things in your life consider the tools of affirmations and gratitude.

Try combining gratitude with affirmations by repeating your affirmation(s) 6 times morning and night and write down 5 new things each day you are grateful for for at least 27 days. Journal how it impacts your life and focus.

If you really want these principles to have an impact on your life, write your answers down and reread them often.