“When you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life. If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy, and your marriage will go on throughout eternity.”
— Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Dec. 1995
You may have heard the adage "Happy Wife, Happy Life" or another is "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." We may chuckle at these, but what brings the chuckle is the truth behind them. As wives and mothers we have the tremendous opportunity to bless or curse, as it may be, the lives of those closest to us. Like it or not the wife really does set the tone in the home. Consider the following passage from Toilers of the Sea by Victor Hugo:
"Her presence lights the home; her approach is like a cheerful warmth; she passes by, and we are content; she stays awhile and we are happy. Is it not a thing of divine, to have a smile which, none know how, has the power to lighten the weight of that enormous chain that all the living in common drag behind them? Deruchette possessed this smile; we may say that this smile was Deruchette herself."
How would your family describe you?
In fact, what is it like to be married to you? Is it blissful and safe, or are there certain conditions that are demanded before your kindness and acknowledgment are bestowed? Does you husband feel cherished and admired, or does he feel like no matter how hard he tries, it's never quite enough for you? Or do you swing uncertainly between the two extremes? If so, what does that feel like to your husband? What does it feel like to you? Think about this for a moment before moving on.
“A wife can determine the mood of a home. A happy wife can make a real difference. A woman can create happiness, or unhappiness, for those within her sphere of influence. There is nothing more appreciated than kindness and gentleness and nothing more contagious than a happy spirit. What better gift can we give our partner than a joyful and loving relationship where praise is given instead of criticism, and encouragement instead of disparagement?”
(Reese; “Being a Wife”, Ensign, Sept. 1984)
Many messages in the world demean being a wife and mother. They paint these roles as subservient and degrading. They claim that happiness lies in self-gratification and career and monetary pursuits. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Thomas S. Monson states that:
“To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy” (“The Lord’s Way,” Ensign, May 1990).
We have an opportunity to lift and encourage our husbands because there is none other in their lives who knows them so well and who could more successfully cheer them on.
“Women, you are of great strength and support to the men in your lives, and they sometimes need your help most when they are least deserving. A man can have no greater incentive, no greater hope, no greater strength than to know … his wife has confidence in him and loves him” (Tanner, “No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role,” Ensign, Jan. 1974).
What a tremendous opportunity and gift we have as wives. Ours is the chance to gently encourage, to enthusiastically cheer, to gratefully admire, to create the entire atmosphere in our homes! What are you doing with that opportunity?
Likewise, men have a tremendous opportunity in their marriages. David O. McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
What does it mean “to cleave”?
“It means to stay close to her, to be loyal and faithful to her, to communicate with her, and to express your love for her...Love means being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life” (Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987).
Our modern society does not teach it, but God laid forth specific roles for men and women. It is not an equality or capability issue but rather according to our strengths, gifts and talents inherent to our God-given gender. Also, our society puts so much importance on men providing, and this is a tremendous responsibility; however, women and children also desire men's attention and time. There have been times when Eric was burdened and overwhelmed with work and providing and felt he had little else to give and, frankly, shouldn't that be enough? However, as he changed his focus to viewing time with us as a refresher, rather than another demand on him, home became a time to refuel before heading back out to “slay more dragons” for us the next day. He began to give 100% focus and attention at work and then leave it there to give 100% focus at home. Both blossomed.
“First and foremost, nothing except God Himself takes priority over your wife in your life—not work, not recreation, not hobbies. Your wife is your precious, eternal helpmate—your companion. Husbands, recognize your wife’s intelligence and her ability to counsel with you as a real partner regarding family plans, family activities, and family budgeting. Don’t be stingy with your time or with your means” (Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987).
Just as with wives, a husband has the opportunity to lift, encourage and give great joy and pleasure to his wife or to demean, crush and break her heart. As we asked the wives, we ask you. How would your family describe you? What is it like to be married to you? Is it peaceful and secure or are there certain conditions that are demanded before your kindness and acknowledgment are bestowed? Does your wife feel cherished and admired, or does she feel like no matter how hard she tries, it's never quite enough for you? Or do you swing uncertainly between the two extremes or not give any acknowledgement at all? If so, what does that feel like to your wife? What does it feel like to you? Think about this for a moment before moving on.
“Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities” (Nelson, “Celestial Marriage,” Ensign, Nov. 2008).
So how do we do this? Much of it is perspective and attitude. Back to getting what you focus on, if all you think about is your spouse’s faults, then that is all you'll see. This is where the lessons on gratitude, affirmations and love come in. Also, getting over your stories about yourself and your spouse clears the way. Of course, being accountable is the icing on the cake. Also, we have two more tools for you: “What men and women want” and “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- What men and women want:
As men and women we are different, yet sometimes we forget it and think our spouse must want the same things as us. The following is from a study that compares the five most important things to men in their marriage vs. the five things women voted most important. It is from Lucille F. Johnson, BYU Education Week speech, 2002. Please review this together and share what you personally want the most from your spouse.
What do men want in marriage?
1.Physical Intimacy
-Helps a man feel close to his spouse
2.A wife to do things with him
-Share interests
3.Praise, admiration and encouragement
4.An attractive wife
-One who is well-groomed and happy, not necessarily a supermodel
5.Domestic support
-Some order in the home and some evidence of food at mealtimes What do women want in marriage?
1. Affection
-Defined as sometimes cuddling that is only cuddling, not foreplay
2. A husband who will talk to her
-Sharing thoughts and feelings makes her feel close to him
- A woman thinks a relationship is good when she can talk about it. A man thinks a relationship is good if he and his wife never have to talk about it.
3. Fidelity and trust
4. Financial support
5. Spiritual leadership
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Seriously, which do you want? Why would we ask? Most disagreements and arguments boil down to wanting to be right. You have your side, your spouse has his or her side and both want to be right! Some couples will argue to the death to be right— well, the death of the marriage anyways. Let's make another list.
How does it feel to be right?
Strong, powerful, smart, in charge, self-righteous, correct, compelling, significant, important, valued, respected, big, competent, useful...
Okay, but how does it feel to be wrong?
Weak, stupid, bad, insignificant, powerless, stepped on, disrespected, small, unworthy, inadequate, useless...
Every time you have to be right, someone else has to be wrong. They have to lose. It's a war and there are casualties. Covey would call it win/lose; however, we've already covered how unloving that is. In love, win/win is all that counts. When one of you has to be right, your marriage loses. This, by the way, applies to every relationship we are in. So, literally, do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
Brett Harward, speaker, author, personal and business success coach, suggests, “Often, being right is more important to people than achieving their vision.... Average people focus on being right, successful people focus on getting it right [which means they are] willing to be wrong”
(Harward; 2008; The 5 Laws That Determine All of Life's Outcomes, p.59-61).
So, how do we resolve conflict? Like Mr. Harward says, our goal is to “get it right” over being right. In this case that would mean get the marriage right, which is far more important than whatever the current issue is.
Rather than right/wrong, why not consider “Is this working for you?” For example, imagine you and your spouse agreed the husband would pick up the kids from their lessons on the way home from work, yet he is usually late, which leaves the kids alone at their lessons after dark. Right vs. wrong may proceed as “You promised you'd pick them up, and you are always late!” Getting it (the marriage) right could look like “I appreciate your willingness to pick up the kids. However, it doesn't seem to be working. Can we find another solution?”
In the first scenario, being right is the goal. In the other, a happy marriage and a positive solution are the goals. Right or married? You choose.
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Challenges
These two challenges can be the most powerful and have the greatest effect on your marriage. Please plan sufficient undisturbed time to fully experience them.
1.Sit in a quiet, undisturbed place. Think through a day with you from your spouse’s eyes. See it, feel it, consider how it feels. What is your first interaction upon waking up? How does your spouse see your face, your first acknowledgement of the day towards him/her? Think through conversations, interactions, touch, phone calls, texts, eye contact, affection (both sexual and non sexual); not from your perspective but from his or hers. What does he or she hear, feel, see from you throughout the day? Remember the golden rule: treat others as you want to be treated? How do you treat your spouse?
This exercise can be tremendously heart changing, revealing and healing IF you let it be. To achieve that result, you'll have to put down your defenses, ignore your reasons and justifications for why you may not be fully loving and open, basically leave yourself and your emotions out of it and simply take some time to see and feel what it's like to be married to you from your spouse’s eyes. It could be extremely helpful to begin this exercise with a humble prayer and clarity about really wanting to fully experience the gift this challenge has to give you.
Go ahead with the challenge.
Now...what did you experience? Journal your thoughts and feelings. Again, this is not about your spouse or his or her offenses that you very well may be reacting to through your words and behavior throughout the day. This is simply about how it may look from his or her side. Reality dictates that we cannot change another; we can only change ourselves. What if you choose different behaviors, kinder words, took the chance of reacting out of love? What if you choose different reactions when he or she does the thing that hurts most? What if you choose not to fight or guilt or punish? Once you are done journaling, move on to the second challenge.
2. This one may seem a little morbid at first, but please consider the gift and change in perspective this challenge can give you if you fully participate. Once you've read the instructions, close your eyes in a quiet place and let the thoughts and feelings flow.
Imagine you and your spouse are on your way home late one night after a date. Rather than being a relaxing, unifying time together, it once again turned into an argument. Your spouse is driving through the stormy night while you hug the door on your side of the car in an effort to be as far away from him or her as the car will allow. Both of you are silent, your demeanor stoic. Thoughts of all his or her offenses race through your head, mixed with questions of What is the point? How can this marriage ever survive? You've tried everything, and yet here you are again. Suddenly you are jerked out of your thoughts as you feel the tires begin to spin. The brakes are slammed, but the result is a tailspin. Everything seems to be in slow motion! Lights racing by; tires squealing; you hear a scream. It is your own. Then impact with a huge oak tree! Everything stops. The only sensation is the pain in your arm and the blaring of the car horn. You look over and see your spouse slumped over the wheel with blood gushing from his head. You call his name; there is no response. You feel the fear, panic, helplessness. You reach for him and shake his shoulder, still nothing. You can feel a pulse, but it is faint. You search frantically for your cell phone. Where are you? Is anyone around to help? You call his name! (Call it out! Say it, feel it! What would you do?) "Help!!! Someone help me! Wake up! You have to be okay! Answer me!" You hear a groan. The blood is flowing more quickly now; his pulse is even weaker. You hear an ambulance siren in the distance. "Hold on, they’re almost here!" you command. "Don't leave me! I need you! Don't leave me!" you beg. You hold him as best you can. You beg and plead. Suddenly you cannot actually imagine life without him. You hear a gurgled gasp for air. Then nothing. He's gone.
Time passes. The paramedics have to pry you away from him. It's all a blur. Finally you end up at home, just the way you left it only a few hours before. In a daze you slowly walk from room to room. (You could actually do this.)
What do you see? What do you feel? What do you miss? What do you wish you could say? Take as long as you need.
Don't read any further until you've completed and fully experienced this challenge.
Now answer the following questions in your journal:
What is your primary emotion at having lost your spouse?
What do you miss most about him or her? (If helpful, you could list 10 things.)
What do you wish you could have said?
If you had one more chance what would you tell him or her?
If you had one more day how would you treat him or her differently?
To find out more about Marriage Roles, please check out our Resources section. Thank you!
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